Imagine:
You are a 26 year old woman. You are approached by a man you’ve never met and asked to marry him. You will be his 3rd wife. This man is 60 years old. Your parents pressure you to accept not because they know him but because he has money. You don’t want to marry him, but if you refuse your parents will likely disown you (big deal).
What do you do????
Imagine: You accepted this proposal and are the marriage is going very well. You and your (now) husband are in love and enjoying life. But 2 months later your husband loses his job and suddenly the family is in a major financial crisis. The cause? You. Why? Because you are the only thing that has changed in the last 2 months so must have brought the family bad luck. Your husband's family is talking bad about you now. And since culture says the wife moves in with the husband's family (all extended family lives together in same village) you hear rumors about you everyday. But they don't use your name when gossiping about you. Instead, they personify a cow, but you know they're talking about you. Stress is rising. Your husband wants to keep you as his wife but how can he with his brothers, mother, father, sisters, children, aunts, uncles, and the whole community tearing him down, saying that this wife is no good and will only bring trouble to him, his family, and the community. Eventually you cannot take the pressure, the gossiping, the insults anymore and decide to leave the village. Your husband's family come around your husband and say, "See, she didn't love you, look she left you! If she loves you she will return. Get a new wife."
After hearing all this, I became very sad. I was told that even if there is no financial "bad luck", if the in-laws do not like the spouse, they will begin rumors, insults (same as above) until the marriage crumbles. How can this be that family gets in the way of a happy marriage?! I had a solution! (So I thought...) The happy couple should leave the village and move to the city where they cannot be attacked with insults! I was quickly shot down when I was reminded that in this super small country everyone is related to everyone and if not related, they know someone that knows you. Therefore, if you were to move to the city, even there you would not be able to live in peace. The only realistic solution to saving the marriage is to move to a distant country.
*look of frustration
Do you have a different solution?
That is so intense. I would NOT want to be in that position. Continually enthrall yourself in prayer!
ReplyDeleteDAWN! Thank you so much for posting these blog entries. In my village, nobody speaks english and my Wolof is not developed enough to catch onto issues like these. So, thanks for sharing even though it frustrates you!
ReplyDeleteA bunch of relational wholeness intensives. (:
ReplyDeleteWhat a tough question. I have found, although not quite the same situation, that marrying into a family can be hard. My fiance's family (extended as well) is mostly here, whereas mine is not. And, the blame for things, like your bride above, has fallen on me, although the blame is not rightly due. Thankfully I have the Lord - and He defends me. I have had to learn to relinquish my rights (still learning) and fight the urge to defend myself in most cases. If the blame has to go somewhere and it falls on me, I can choose to give it to Christ, who took the blame for everything that was not due His name. I find that when my refuge is the Living God and I have support from my (literal) bridegroom, it keeps me in the Truth, and enables me to (most of the time) be kind hearted and humble regarding his family.
ReplyDeleteSo basically... My answer is Jesus. But that's not so easy in the Gambia, eh?
You're in my thoughts! Sending love your way.
Alyssa Haden